My cousins and all just came to my house and I’m greatly surprised by how skinny one my cousins, who has become a mother of two children now, has become. It’s just a short two weeks and I think she lost about 5kg or even more. She told me it was because her younger daughter is down viral fever and since a week ago, she has been surviving with 2-4hours of sleep each day and still has to continue with work the following day. She said that when one falls ill, the other is bound to follow suit regardless of precautionary measures taken. And having to manage the child’s temperature and watching how her child moan and fuss because of the discomfort, it got her hysterical and so often, she had emotional outburst. She was terrified that the sickness would worsen and she might lose the child.

Others who aren’t a mother would say that she is being over-imaginative but I think it’s different when you are the party involved. Didn’t people always say that the love from a mother is so noble that it is irreplaceable? I supposed if there is a choice, the mother would willingly taken what the child was feeling and borne it herself than to watch her go through it.
Mothers all have the amazing ability to drive themselves to insanity by imagining everything and anything. And I guess it all wraps around the word- love.

I really love my mum. I don’t voice it out often cos’ well, I’m brought up in an Asian country and it’s not a common practice here to say ‘I Love you’ and show a person that you are indeed appreciative of him or her, esp to our parents. Hence, when I did say those words occasionally, my mother would feel so puzzled and she often thought something must have happened to me and saying I love you is to make the following request easier said. It’s not true. I love her at all times. Just that when the feeling comes strong, you would forgo your everything, from embarrassment to ego, to say it and let it be known.

My mother really behaves like some wonder woman. She juggles her real work teaching in school, her tuitions, her family, the household chores and her current course-studies on children psychology, so well and I marvelled at how she did it. She never whines to us about her unhappiness at work and neither did she vent it out on children during tuition lessons. Ability to hold ones emotions isn’t an easy task.

For me, I think I’m quite bad at that. When I’m glad, stress, unhappy etc, I guess it shows on my face and tone when I speak. I can hide it at times but not always.

Right now, I’m still rather distress and I find it quite hard to cope with so many things which are all so demanding of my concentration and time. I need my own personal free time to take a breather via exercise and all, but I foresee there will be lesser time for that, or probably none. Sacrifices have to be made for good results I guess. I’m so pissed with myself today cos I see no improvement in my piano playing and it’s just not good enough to get let say a pass I think. And my pre-lab discussion and read-ups is killing me. I cannot sleep properly at night even though I’m really beat with all the yoga classes, running about for tuition classes and then the travel to school. I need sleeping pills.

And..

The time now is 2.30am and I just came back from my jog with TT. Physically I am tired but I think mentally, I’m so awake. I do wonder what time would I doze off. Probably I should read my notes on the bed then it will put me to sleep. ARGH .i need to let my heart and mind have peace then I will be able to sleep. I want to sleep. I need to sleep. I really want to sleep. Let me sleep! =((

Air of insouciance needed.



What’s worthy and what’s not?
Loving is just a lie.
how long would one love?