One's Capacity

i feel that my capacity to love and forgive is very little. Irregardless of loving/forgiving others or myself, i have always been stingy. i've never believe in lasting love and even sometimes i think i've difficulty expressing my love and forgiveness.

Take for instance, last night, i saw my dad sitting alone in the living room late at night and looking extremely tired. However much i wanted to approach him, i didnt. i wondered what would i say that he wouldn't reject and would lead the conversation on, to him telling me what happened and i gave him a hug at the end. Asian's way of conservative-ness isn't very much helping me or many others in showing that we DO really care.

Then talking about forgiveness, it's some tricky thing.
i've always been harsh on myself when i go off track and didnt meet my expectations. i forgive very little of myself. remembered myself crying my eyes sore when i couldn't do the maths exam when i was in sec2 straight after e exam when i'm home. Silly but true.

But that's for myself. recently i realise and have been told that i don't forgive others easily too. I was blasted with irritating words from my piano teacher and now i still hated her and want to send my jL to squash her to pi-sai-like ball! Then a few days ago i quarrelled with jL too cos he slept TOO much and at weird hours partly due to game.

i've got to learn as i grow up and do things the right way. i'm turning 21 soon!
Oh and shld i have a bbq? i'm lazy partly and then again i don't know if my next mod timetable allow a free day to play like that.

OH and my HK trip is coming True! WAIT FOR ME!!! DA JIA GUANG LING!! whee!